Inner turbulence

(Title mostly from Dream Theater’s Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence, probably one of the most personally meaningful albums I’ve ever listened to.)

Someone posted this just as I sat down to get a few things out of my head, and it struck me, because it was very closely related to what I was going to write here anyway.

Yes, the possibilities for anyone are nearly infinite. That’s the beauty of free will: we don’t know what’s going to happen, but we do know we are not bound by some cosmic force pushing us onto a predetermined path. Our choices are our own, although our opportunities are not.

The problem lies not in the paths available to us, but the very real possibility that none of those many paths lead us to what we seek. When no road takes you forward, what then? Theists have no answer but to tell us to keep trying, that it’ll all somehow work out in the end. Nihilists can’t even offer that much. Neither extreme is fulfilling in any real sense. If we have no purpose, why bother continuing on? And if our purpose has already been set, why bother playing along? In both cases, we are not the masters of our own destiny, so can we say our lives truly belong to us?

I have been on that road to nowhere for a very long time now. Unlike the creator of the above picture, I don’t see infinitely many paths ahead of me. Rather, I see them, but I can find no way to change my lane to get to them. Those paths, as far as I can tell, are for other people, stronger people, people who haven’t been beaten into surrender and submission by the world around them.

Acceptance is the final stage of the grieving process, we’re told. I now wonder if it is the final stage of depression itself. Should I accept that I’ll never stand at the altar beside my beloved, that I’ll never have the chance to hold in my arms the child I fathered? Do I accept that I’ve failed in my attempts at building a life for myself, and try to create something of the wreckage that is left?

None of those paths look very promising, if you ask me. Yet I can’t help but think all the good ones are already closed off to me.

Novel month 2021 – Day 7

Today’s word count: 4,236
Total word count: 19,809
Daily average: 2,829
Projected total: 84,895

I’m done with Chapter 3. That’s the only reason I’m posting this so early, really. I feel like writing even more today, but I need more time to think about what happens next. Fortunately, this push sets me up for a week that will, I hope, be less stressful on the novel front. And I’ve even managed to tie this story in with Seasons Change. I’d planned to do that all along, mind you; it’s only how I did it that surprised me.

Novel month 2021 – Day 6

Today’s word count: 4,166
Total word count: 15,573
Daily average: 2,595
Projected total: 77,865

I never thought I’d be bored on a Saturday in November, but here we are. I really couldn’t find much I wanted to do, so I wrote. And wrote and wrote. I finished Chapter 2 and a good chunk of Chapter 3, and that was on top of my language work (natural and constructed), a few speedruns of Dr. Mario (if I ever recorded them, I’d be 14th fastest in the world), and half a dozen other things. That still left me with hours of nothing. Tome flies when you’re having fun…except when it doesn’t.

Novel month 2021 – Day 5

Today’s word count: 2,561
Total word count: 11,407
Daily average: 2,281
Projected total: 68,442

Okay, this chapter’s going faster than I thought, and I know how to tie it back to the main thread. I’d say that’s a good day’s work. Wouldn’t you agree?

Not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. I have some potential family business planned, but I’ll try for a writing push over the weekend to build up a buffer in case work interferes.

Novel month 2021 – Day 4

Today’s word count: 2,069
Total word count: 8.846
Daily average: 2,211
Projected total: 66,345

Into Chapter 2. I didn’t know what to do, so I basically wrote about 7 pages of rambling and character introductions. (Well, reintroductions, really. That’s how it is when you’re in the 21st entry of a series.) Still not sure where this thread’s going, so I hope I can figure it out tomorrow.

Novel month 2021 – Day 3

Today’s word count: 2,059
Total word count: 6,777
Daily average: 2,259
Projected total: 67,770

Life begins anew, or something like that. One chapter down, 8 more to go, and I have a feeling the next one won’t be so easy. That’s mostly because I have yet to decide what I want to do with it. But we’ll figure it out as we go along. I mean, I have been doing that for a decade now.

Novel month 2021 – Day 2

Today’s word count: 2,341
Total word count: 4,718
Daily average: 2,359
Projected total: 70,770

I’m most of the way through Chapter 1 already. And that’s with a minor bout of sickness that left me fatigued all day. I think the “put your best character first” plan is working. We’ll see in a couple of days, because Chapter 2 is going to be one of my least favorites.

Also, for the record, I hate writing character deaths. Even unnamed ones who die off-screen.

Novel month 2021 – Day 1

Today’s word count: 2,377
Projected total: 71,310

And we’re off on the quest for ten. Chapter 1 of Light to the Depths, and the usual meandering introduction. Basically think of it as the same kind of ramble as my posts here, but it just so happens to have characters and a plot. Well, the beginnings of one. I’m starting with an Alex chapter for this Otherworld story. Why? Because I need wish-fulfillment. It’s all I’ve got left.